Monthly Archives: August 2014

When is the right time for full time?

Jen looking perplexed holding a hairdryer

One day I’ll learn how to use these things!

Sunday didn’t start great… the washing machine ate my jeans.

I’m not sure if it was just bad luck, or the evil appliance suggesting that I’d been spending too much time in them lately. Either way, it prompted me to head out and buy some new clothes.

When I got to the checkout with my two new pairs of jeans (in your face washing machine!) there was a bit of a queue. The person already serving turned to her colleague nearby and said “Can you look after this lady for me please?”

It actually took me time to process what she had said… that I was the lady who needed serving.

“Would you like to keep the hangers?” asked the man as he scanned my items.

Instantly my mouth went dry, my voice was totally going to let me down!

“No” I mumbled while smiling and shaking my head.

I gave my full attention to staring at the chip and pin machine, then made a speedy exit with my shopping.

 

Let’s deconstruct this a bit…

If you’ve read my other blog posts you’ll have gathered that I’m not full-time. If anything, recently I’ve been a bit down about how I present when I’m being, for want of a better word, a guy.

So while the cashier saw my long hair, pierced ears, girl’s hoodie, girl’s trousers, girl’s trainers and decided, I imagine, to err on the side of caution, from my point of view I was presenting as a guy.

This meant I was massively surprised when she referred to me as a girl.

Although, as I left the shop I was beaming from ear to ear.

I know that was only one person on one day in one shop, but that totally feels like progress. To be accepted as a girl when I’m out as a girl is brilliant, but to be accepted as a girl when I think I’m being a boy, well that was a massive confidence boost!!

 

I guess I was down before as part of me thought I’d just slip over time into being a girl, ‘passing’ in public and all that, the longer I continued my transition.

Then I kinda realised I had done a lot of the transition, and yet I didn’t feel good enough to make the move to full-time.

Perhaps however, if this misgendering when I’m being a boy continues, I’ll feel it’s the right time for full time… If not just to stop me confusing myself!

Advertisements

Reflections

Jen in the mirror

Mirrors… I either love ’em or I hate ’em

I’ve been feeling a bit down recently. And this is sad because overall my life has been so much better in the last few years.

So what’s been going on? Well, on Friday I was in the lift at work and I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw.

This isn’t anything new, I’ve been feeling this way for years. I guess it’s part of not being comfortable with who you are.

But recently it’s been affecting me a lot more.

In the past, when I was only dressing part-time, I would look in the mirror at work and sigh. But I knew that on Friday I would undergo a transformation, the face in the work mirror would be gone as the makeup, clothes and wig took over. This thought would make me smile and my appearance in the mirror wouldn’t affect me.

Now however, I am so much closer to being full-time. At work on Friday I was in girl’s clothes (well, not like super massively feminine or anything but still much more girly than I would have worn before). The laser I’ve had on my face means I don’t need to rely on makeup to conceal any shadow, and I’ve got my own natural long(ish) hair.

So when I looked at my reflection and didn’t like what I saw… well, I didn’t have that “Don’t worry that’s not really me” feeling that I used to get.

Yes I’m aware of course that appearance isn’t everything, and this is me so I’d better get used to it. No doubt I’m my harshest critic anyway, but at the moment it seems a lot of my worries and confidence issues are about what I might look like to others.  How can I start to think about that when half the time I don’t like what I see?

Guess I won’t be biting that full-time bullet just yet… Stupid mirrors :/