I’ve been feeling a bit down recently. And this is sad because overall my life has been so much better in the last few years.
So what’s been going on? Well, on Friday I was in the lift at work and I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw.
This isn’t anything new, I’ve been feeling this way for years. I guess it’s part of not being comfortable with who you are.
But recently it’s been affecting me a lot more.
In the past, when I was only dressing part-time, I would look in the mirror at work and sigh. But I knew that on Friday I would undergo a transformation, the face in the work mirror would be gone as the makeup, clothes and wig took over. This thought would make me smile and my appearance in the mirror wouldn’t affect me.
Now however, I am so much closer to being full-time. At work on Friday I was in girl’s clothes (well, not like super massively feminine or anything but still much more girly than I would have worn before). The laser I’ve had on my face means I don’t need to rely on makeup to conceal any shadow, and I’ve got my own natural long(ish) hair.
So when I looked at my reflection and didn’t like what I saw… well, I didn’t have that “Don’t worry that’s not really me” feeling that I used to get.
Yes I’m aware of course that appearance isn’t everything, and this is me so I’d better get used to it. No doubt I’m my harshest critic anyway, but at the moment it seems a lot of my worries and confidence issues are about what I might look like to others. How can I start to think about that when half the time I don’t like what I see?
Guess I won’t be biting that full-time bullet just yet… Stupid mirrors