When is the right time for full time?

Jen looking perplexed holding a hairdryer

One day I’ll learn how to use these things!

Sunday didn’t start great… the washing machine ate my jeans.

I’m not sure if it was just bad luck, or the evil appliance suggesting that I’d been spending too much time in them lately. Either way, it prompted me to head out and buy some new clothes.

When I got to the checkout with my two new pairs of jeans (in your face washing machine!) there was a bit of a queue. The person already serving turned to her colleague nearby and said “Can you look after this lady for me please?”

It actually took me time to process what she had said… that I was the lady who needed serving.

“Would you like to keep the hangers?” asked the man as he scanned my items.

Instantly my mouth went dry, my voice was totally going to let me down!

“No” I mumbled while smiling and shaking my head.

I gave my full attention to staring at the chip and pin machine, then made a speedy exit with my shopping.

 

Let’s deconstruct this a bit…

If you’ve read my other blog posts you’ll have gathered that I’m not full-time. If anything, recently I’ve been a bit down about how I present when I’m being, for want of a better word, a guy.

So while the cashier saw my long hair, pierced ears, girl’s hoodie, girl’s trousers, girl’s trainers and decided, I imagine, to err on the side of caution, from my point of view I was presenting as a guy.

This meant I was massively surprised when she referred to me as a girl.

Although, as I left the shop I was beaming from ear to ear.

I know that was only one person on one day in one shop, but that totally feels like progress. To be accepted as a girl when I’m out as a girl is brilliant, but to be accepted as a girl when I think I’m being a boy, well that was a massive confidence boost!!

 

I guess I was down before as part of me thought I’d just slip over time into being a girl, ‘passing’ in public and all that, the longer I continued my transition.

Then I kinda realised I had done a lot of the transition, and yet I didn’t feel good enough to make the move to full-time.

Perhaps however, if this misgendering when I’m being a boy continues, I’ll feel it’s the right time for full time… If not just to stop me confusing myself!

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