Monthly Archives: January 2015

Thinking about the future

Gothic Jen
I’ve been thinking recently about the year ahead and what I’d like to achieve.  I made so much progress last year I think it’ll be hard to match that.  Although it feels like the steps I take this year will be bigger than anything so far.

Perhaps, if I keep up this blog for a while, I’ll be able to look back in a year’s time and see what I did and didn’t achieve…

1) Get out more!
At the moment I tend to go out dressed in my androgynous look.  Sometimes I get called a girl, sometimes a boy.  More often than not I’ve no idea what people think I am!  My hoodie and jeans are comfortable and safe.  But I need to start pushing myself a bit, I want makeup and heels to be the norm.  So next time I go out to the cinema or for a meal, I’m going to put some pretty earrings and makeup on and, if anyone asks my name, I’m going to tell them it’s Jen.

2) Go full-time at work
This is a big goal for the year and something there will probably be a lot more blog posts about!  I’ve known since the office Christmas party that my work is very supportive and ready to help me progress.  So once I feel that my head is in the right place for such a big step, there’s really nothing to stop me!

3) First appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic
I’ve been on the Gender clinic waiting list for over a year now and so should be having my first appointment in the next few months (assuming they haven’t forgotten about me).  I’m not entirely sure how much support they can provide initially, but this will still be a big step in my transition.  If I’ve achieved the full-time at work goal before my first appointment, then perhaps the GIC will be more willing to start some longer-term balls rolling.

4) Stay in shape
My PE teacher at school used to tell me that, although I might be skinny at 17, by the time I’m 30 my metabolism will have slowed down.  This, combined with a desk job and little exercise, will result in me piling on the pounds in all the wrong places.
Just to be on the safe side (as I do have a desk job!) I’m going to keep an eye on my figure a bit.  No crazy dieting or anything, just trying to do a bit more exercise.  In fact, I’ve already started this as a few weeks back I went for a run.  It was one whole mile and I was ruined… maybe I’ll try again next year!

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Breaking Up

John and Jen on a night out

Happy memories 🙂

This is going to be a hard post to write, and not really what I expected my first entry of 2015 to be.  In fact, it feels so personal that I wondered if maybe I shouldn’t write it at all.  But, personal stuff is kind of what this blog is supposed to be about.
Here goes then…

John and I are no longer an item.

It’s been brewing for a few months now to be honest, and I’m not writing this post to throw stones or apportion blame to anyone.  In fact, it’s been a mutual parting of the ways, because I guess we have both changed and developed so much over the last two and a half years.

We first met at my house at the start of May in 2012.  Why my house?  Because I had never been out dressed and frankly, was way too scared.  I had heard of the Leeds First Friday event, was desperate to go, and John had agreed to accompany me.  The night went really, really well and over the next few months John helped me overcome my fears and go to more and more events.  He hadn’t had a trans girlfriend before, and I had never had a relationship, but gradually we started to get closer and found we had more in common than just a shared interest in the trans scene.

Although at times I do still feel like that scared and confused person, I can see how I’ve changed immeasurably, and in so many different ways.  It’s so much more than a bit of long hair!  A lot of people might be starting to get settled in their mid-twenties, but I was just starting to turn my life completely on its head!

Looking back at the last three years, John has been a constant pillar of strength and support.  I’ve honestly no idea how far I would have got without him, or at least how long it would have taken to get to where I am.  I’m actually glad that our relationship has kind of slowly fizzled out (with no shouting and teacup throwing) as at least it means John and I can still care about each other and be friends in the future.

Of course, part of me wishes things were still what they were a year ago, when our relationship was at its strongest.  I loved being in a relationship and having someone to share everything with.  But three years is a long time, especially at this stage in my life, and things do change.  It’s important for me that I try and see positives, and not be afraid to move on and seek new opportunities and experiences.
When one door closes…